Halt the congratulations

John has been at home for the last week without us, I'm still in St. George with the kids. On Sunday, I started cramping and then bleeding pretty profusely. I was extremely depressed and sobbing off and on all day. My Mom had 10 children with no miscarriages, my sisters and I have 13 kids between us with no miscarriages, my aunts and maternal grandmother with almost 20 kids between them have never had a miscarriage. The thought never even crossed my mind as a possibility until I started bleeding, and even then I still was hopeful that it would all be ok. My biggest problem was that I didn't know what to do, or even if it WAS a miscarriage. On Sunday evening, my brother gave me a blessing, and though it was very special to me, it is very difficult to convey the impressions and feelings I had during and after the blessing. Mostly the feeling was "this is not the time yet for a baby" and "you'll be ok." It confirmed to me (more than a medical test) that it was indeed a miscarriage. That night I prayed and cried and prayed some more, pondered the reasons for this experience, and mourned a little. Monday morning, I woke up feeling emotionally cleansed and ready to face the future. My family has been great and supportive, they have taken care of my kids while I recover my strength. If you have to have a medical problem away from home, with your family is the place to be!

On Tuesday evening, I decided to go to the hospital so they could do a blood test to confirm that my hormone levels were going down, and to do an ultrasound to make sure the worst is over so I could be cleared to travel. The doctors and nurses were so funny, because they were trying to cushion the blow that I had lost the baby, but I already knew that. Finally the doctor asked "How hopeful are you that this pregnancy is still viable?" and I said "I know the baby is gone, I just want to know when I can go home." That sped things up considerably. Everything is progressing normally and I should be able to begin traveling home whenever I want. John is going to fly out to SLC on Saturday and help me drive home. He was trying to get me to fly home while he drove the kids home, but I thought that was a little silly. I'm feeling pretty good, just really tired and crampy. I'm so grateful I haven't had any emotional issues since Sunday, though there have been times I want to curl up in my bed and not face my family: that's pretty standard on a family vacation though :).

Next week I'll post some great pictures from our vacation. I would appreciate your prayers for our continued blessings and our safe return home. I know John has been beside himself during this time away from us, and I can't wait to get back to him!

One in the oven

Its official…Lajuana is expecting! We just found out and we are all very excited! She’ll be due in February. Many of our friends can relate to our internal struggle with knowing when you’re done having more kids. Lajuana and I fasted and prayed a lot to know and at different times we both had conflicting thoughts. However, we both knew that we wanted one more. At the same time we were comfortable with no kids in diapers, we’re getting older, fears about the birth (just look back at the interesting birth stories of our kids), busy life schedules, and I’m super busy in school. In short we had a lot of things holding us back. Then after thinking about it more and more we realized that we needed hope and faith. The great examples of our many friends have provided us with true inspirational stories of lives lived by faith and the subsequent abundance of blessings. So with some hope and faith our fears are set aside and we are really excited to have another one join our family!

I have found that most people (outside of Utah) think having more than 2 kids is a large family! When I tell people I have 3 kids I’m amazed at their reaction like we’re single handedly repopulating the earth. I wonder what they’ll say when I tell them we’ll have 4 kids. So far we’ve only announced the news to family and some friends and neighbors that happen to be in ear shot. Here are some funny comments so far:

“Wow…really?”
“So when are you guys ever going to stop having kids?”
“At this rate your kids are going to be in college before you finish”
“Are you trying to get a TV program…only a few more to beat out that woman with 18”
(A funny one from my Mom) “That’ll make 12 grandkids now…no more after that one cause I can’t have 13”
“At this rate you’ll still be having kids when you’re a grandfather”

So what funny or crazy things have you heard people say about your growing family size????

Not sure if we are going to find out early if it’s a boy or girl…but if we do find out we’ll let you know. Thanks for all of your love, support, and examples. I’m sure Lajuana will have more postings to add later.

John

More Visits, More Fun

We had a fabulous visit with Karin and family. It was a lot of fun reacquainting ourselves, especially the kids (for whom 2 years is a lifetime). We had a sleepover every night, Hannah was in heaven having so many girls in the house, and John was so happy to have someone to play games with. They bought us Settlers of Catan and we’ve been playing it non-stop ever since. Garrett and Z. played whenever the adults were not. Hannah and A. are just two peas in a pod. They holed up in Hannah’s room most of the time, playing with Polly pockets and putting on “make up” that Aunt Denise gave her for her birthday. Kevin tagged along with whatever the big boys were doing. Karin’s daughter B. (3 ½) was busy getting into everything, especially food they got from Trader Joe’s. Her favorite phrase is “Awwwww, WHY?” which she said every time we took things away from her or got her down off the table or made her stop climbing the outside of the stairs. Their littlest, L. was the belle of the ball for sure. Her feet were rarely allowed to touch the ground because Hannah and Garrett wanted to constantly carry her around (even though she can walk like an expert).

I got to introduce Karin to a friend of mine who has become very active in supporting natural childbirth, especially VBACs. She is in the process of becoming a doula. They had met through some VBAC websites, and realized they both knew me. Sarah came over and it was great to listen to them and share experiences and wisdom (even though Jared rolled his eyes at us a few times over his book while we sat there gabbing for 2 hours). It was almost like we were sitting outside the Villa once again; letting the kids run wild while we vented, supported each other’s opinions, and learned about each other.

We went to a kite festival, where there were also a lot of carnival type rides and a climbing wall.








We went to the Field Museum, where we saw "Sue" the dinosaur, real treasure from a pirate ship (no pictures allowed), played dress up in a forest, built towers with blocks, and played musical instruments from around the world.









We went to a living history museum, where the kids dressed up once again, this time as pioneers, and we saw a little bit about how frontier life was back in the day. We also went down to our river walk and walked around a little. But the path is often RIGHT NEXT to the water and we were all afraid of our crazy sleep-deprived children falling into the water. So we didn't stay too long.




I know Karin would be nice and forget to tell all the mistakes I made: like when we went to the kite festival, I took us to the wrong parking lot and we had to walk a million miles across a field. The day after they had traveled thousands of miles to come and see us. Welcome to Illinois! Walk a mile with your baby, toddlers, and all the diaper bag supplies you can carry to get to the fun!

And how I planned for us to go to the Field museum on Wednesday because it's free that day. Then finding out they changed the free days to one Monday a month in the summer, which happened to be the day before I found out. So we decided to still go, but they had to pay LOTS of $$ to get us in (prices are seriously outrageous, that's why I so frugally prepared to go on the free day). I am such an idiot. But now I've worked out the mistakes, so you can come back any time Karin, really. It will be better. And any other friends who come visit will benefit from the mistakes I made. I'm much wiser now.

Really! Come and visit us!

April showers bring May visitors

We have had a plethora of visitors this month. Luckily, we have also had some really fabulous spring weather too. We had our very dear friends visit from Kansas City for 5 days, then the next week had John’s Mom, sister, and two nieces come for 4 days. It has been a whirlwind of happy children, cooking for large groups, being tourist-y, playing games, and enjoying each other’s company. Celebrating Hannah’s birthday was also thrown into the mix somehow. We are now preparing for and looking forward to Karin and family coming to visit! I thought I’d better get some pictures and posting up before they come or I would have too much to write about.

Juli made Hannah's cake for her birthday, and Hannah had very definite ideas about what she wanted. She even drew a picture of exactly how she wanted it to look. Juli made her dreams come true with this cake. And Hannah had so much fun helping and watching. She was also SOOOO happy that her best friends could be here for her birthday. Especially since this was her year for just a family party.




We went to Navy Pier with John's family and had such a great time. The weather was PERFECT: sunny but not too hot. The crowds were a little daunting, but not unbearable. We went on the huge ferris wheel, and we made Garrett go with us even though he is deathly afraid of heights. There were a few times when I thought he might lose his lunch, but he made it through and was even smiling at one point.





We also went on a few other rides, and let the kids play in the water fountain so they got soaking wet before we went home.




Now the kids are looking forward to another visit from very dear friends. Maybe I can use another visitor as motivation for them to clean their rooms!

In which my son teaches me

It really is wonderful what your kids can teach you. As mine have been getting “older” I have learned even more from them, about them, and about myself.

For my non-LDS friends, I would like to explain a little bit about testimony meeting. One Sunday a month, our church meeting gives 30 – 40 minutes to any members of the congregation that would like to come to the front and speak to the congregation. This is a time to share testimony of Jesus Christ, what you have learned, and uplifting experiences. It is a great way to share your faith; and as you share, you are strengthened, and those who are listening are strengthened as well. That being said, it is also a little nerve-wracking to have everyone listening to you. I personally do not go up very often, probably less than once a year. John does a little more often, maybe 3 times a year. Some people always have something to say and go up every month. Even children are encouraged to give their testimony if they feel inclined.

A few weeks ago, Garrett asked me during the hymn if he could go give his testimony when it was time. I was surprised, but of course said “Sure!” He was positively squirming in his seat waiting for the time to arrive. I started to get a little worried. What was he going to say? He’s so shy. . .would he get nervous and freeze up? I leaned over and asked him what he was going to talk about. “Prayer,” he whispered back succinctly. OK. I trusted him to speak from the heart and stay on topic (during our family night at home, we take turns giving a lesson and whoever is doing it is encouraged to give their testimony at the end. Garrett has gotten really “good” at this lately, often bringing in his own experiences and tying it in with the lesson).

The time arrived and Garrett bounced out of his seat and started up to the front. At the same time, an adult started walking up too and Garrett was confused about what to do (usually just head up to the front and take a seat to wait your turn) so he came back and sat down. When the adult finished, again Garrett bounced out of his seat to head up to the front. He was so eager, I couldn’t believe it. I raised my eyebrows at John, who WAS this boy?

He got to the microphone and began eagerly, “I’d like to bear my testimony that prayer is really important and it works.” Suddenly he was overcome with emotion and nervousness and started to cry. He hid his face in his hands but stayed there. I jumped up and went to join him. He turned his face into me and I told him he was doing a great job. Was there anything else he wanted to say? He nodded and tried to quickly compose himself. “I was having a really hard time in Math and it made me feel so bad. So I prayed for help and I worked really hard and now I can do it. Prayer really works.” This was all said in a tearful voice while I had my arm around him. As I looked out to all our friends, I saw that many of them had tears in their eyes. He closed in the name of Jesus Christ and went to sit down. I briefly bore my testimony as well and sat down. Several people who spoke referred to his testimony, and many personally spoke to him after the meeting saying how great he did. He took this all in his usual shy way, and he seemed embarrassed by all the attention. I think he wished that everyone would promptly forget it all and leave him alone. I asked him later if he was embarrassed, but he said no. I told him how proud we were of him and hoped that he would share his testimony often. I really hope this won’t put him off of sharing in the future. John and I want to be encouraging but not pushy at all. You can’t force faith, after all.

Hopefully, whatever problems we face, whether they are math problems or health problems, financial problems, or anything else, we can all turn to the Lord in prayer and work really hard, and then we can get through it.

Here's a fun story for you

My family is planning a reunion for this summer. Because of the health of my parents, we are having it near their home. If any of you have ever been there (St. George) you know how absolutely painful it is in the summer. So hot. You just want to lie in the air conditioning with the shades drawn. Except my parents keep their house at a sweltering 85 degrees, so there’s not much relief there. I had vowed to never go there during the summer again (that story in a moment), but I did break that vow to go help Mom and Dad after her first radiation treatment of the big tumor. It was August. To my surprise, I didn’t find it as unbearable as I thought I would, and I found myself wondering if I am getting old. Don’t get me wrong—it was horribly hot. And sunny. But it really WAS a dry heat, and compared to the sticky humidity of Chicago August, it wasn’t really that bad. I just had to make sure I drank 10 gallons of water a day.

So here’s the story of my bad experience with the summers there. My dad’s parents also retired to S.G. and were living there during my childhood. When I was about 6, my whole family drove out there from NJ, and then my parents left the four youngest of us with Grandma and Grandpa. The plan was for us to stay 4 or 5 days with them and then they would bring us to Vegas where we would reunite. I can’t remember why they didn’t want us little kids with them, I think there was some event like graduation or something (cousins live there). Grandma was slightly crazy; I don’t know what Dad was thinking leaving us there. I mean, he ran away from home when he was 16 to get away from them. She had us all sleep on one bed in the basement, but the first night one brother wet the bed and we were all banished to the floor (you know the kind of basement floor—a cement slab not even covered with thin carpet). Our ages were 3, 5, 7, and 10, but we were almost to our birthdays.
Here is a typical day for us in the middle of July in the hot desert: Grandma would wake us up early, at 6:30 am and give us breakfast of wheat toast and milk (I hate drinking milk but she tried to make me, I think I gave mine to a sibling while she wasn’t looking). By 8 am, she shooed us out of the house, pointing the way to the park. We would play at the park for awhile, but the sun would soon have us sitting listlessly in the shade. Grandma would not let us back in the house. We periodically went back to check if she had left any food for us on the back porch. One time she left some watermelon slices, we were so happy! She would leave our lunch out there too, bologna sandwiches on that same wheat bread. I hate bologna. There were rarely any other kids at the park—the residents knew better than to play out there in the summer. It was brutal. Everyone was at the pool or reservoirs, or something to do with water.

My grandparents lived close to the LDS temple which has a visitor’s center. It was air conditioned. HALLELUJAH! We would spend most of our time from lunch to dinner at the visitor’s center. They had NICE grandma types there who would look at us pityingly with our dirty clothes (from being at the park all morning), un-brushed hair, sunburned faces, and let us watch whatever church movies we wanted. We memorized Johnny Lingo, John Baker’s last run, and every single Mormon commercial out there. Ah, yes, I have very fond memories of that visitor’s center.
When we went home for dinner, Grandma had us wash our feet and hands in the utility sink in the garage. She was never affectionate (hugs), or happy to see us (“Welcome back!”) and we all felt very unwanted. One day when we were playing at the park, I fell off the merry go round and cut my leg very badly. Heather (10) ran back to Grandma’s and banged on all the doors, but she wouldn’t open up. Heather even saw her through the window, and tried to wave to her, but she pretended to be asleep (she dropped her book and nodded her head when she saw H at the window). H finally gave up and came back to us. She had my brother take off his shirt and she used it to clean it up as best we could with the (very warm) water from the water fountain. I still have the scar.

There’s a little more to the story, mostly just that we all had to squeeze into the cab of a pickup truck to drive 2 hours to Vegas (Aaron and I down by their feet and the other two on the bench seat with Grandma and Grandpa), but I think it may be time to let it go because I’m getting a little depressed. I am so glad my children have grandparents who help them know that they are loved. Every kid should have that blessing.

Happier stuff: We went to an indoor water park and had a blast. And Easter was fun, though a lot more commercial than I would have liked (thanks to my big sister). Here are some pictures.

Contamination!

The last few weeks have been, how can I say it nicely. . . somewhat unpleasant. John has been working on a site (doing water sampling) up in a city two hours away right on Lake Michigan. He gets up at 4:30 am so he can leave by 5 so he can get there by 7. That by itself would be bad enough even if he could leave by 4pm. Which he should be able to do. But they have had some major problems with flooding, ice, equipment malfunction, safety hazards, and just about anything you can think of short of explosions and gunfire. He has had to stay up there until 8 pm most nights, and some nights until 10 or 11. By the time he drives the 2 hours home and takes off his damp and smelly clothes (yes, this is CONTAMINATED water), he is too exhausted to even speak. He just falls into bed and sets his alarm for 4:30 again.

Now, some of you may be remembering at this point, “Wait a minute, didn’t John just start his EMBA program too? When does he study?” That is a good question. Since he was carpooling up to Waukegan with a coworker, I suggested he study in the car. But he felt like that would be rude. There were a few nights that he got home at 8 or 9 and he was able to study for an hour before he collapsed in a delirious heap. To top it all off, this past weekend, he had two exams AND a final exam. He was worried and studied for as many hours as he could stay awake. He thinks he did pretty well though. He is so happy the last two weeks are over. He has to work in Waukegan for the next week, but then he should be back to normal hours in the office. Thank goodness.

And what is a wife to do? I can’t go to work for him, can’t study for him. The most I could do is keep things running here, not make any demands on him, wash his contaminated clothes before they contaminated the house (it smelled like sewer water), and make his lunch for him. I think I did pretty well for two weeks. But my goodwill and sympathy ran out last night, as I practically demanded that he do the dishes. I’ll try to be better now.

I thought I’d update on my Mom, as I haven’t said anything about how she is doing. After that first large tumor (she has metastatic melanoma) in her brain was treated with radiation, they found another small tumor and treated it right before Christmas. She has lost a lot of hair and has been pretty depressed about it. She refuses to get a wig, though. She has made a remarkable recovery. There is some brain damage from the first tumor and radiation. Reading is laborious and difficult for her to understand. Her eyesight in one eye was affected, as well as hearing in one ear. She practices all the time though, because the doctors told her she can form new neural pathways. She exercises almost every day, and is getting strong, and probably more fit than I am! The bad news is, that once melanoma has moved through the lymph system, it will keep popping up. Since chemotherapy doesn’t work well with melanoma, and because of Mom’s advanced age, it would do more harm than good. The best we can do is have her scanned, poked, and prodded very often and take care of each tumor as it comes. We are so blessed to have her with us for as long as we can. My Dad is doing ok, he has good days and bad days. We are so thankful that physically, he is doing wonderfully: he goes on long rambling walks with his home healthcare workers, he is continent, feeds himself, dresses himself, etc. His helpers come every morning and evening. They think Dad is funny and wonderful, which makes us all happy. Neither Dad nor Mom can drive now, so the helpers drive them around to doctor’s appointments and other errands, and get Dad ready for the day and then ready for bed at night. Mom is so glad that she can still be with Dad. She was dreading putting him into a home. We are all glad we can put it off for a little longer. Thank you everyone for your concern, prayers, and good wishes.

Now, I’m off to be a nicer wife. Wish me luck because it don’t come natural.