John has been at home for the last week without us, I'm still in St. George with the kids. On Sunday, I started cramping and then bleeding pretty profusely. I was extremely depressed and sobbing off and on all day. My Mom had 10 children with no miscarriages, my sisters and I have 13 kids between us with no miscarriages, my aunts and maternal grandmother with almost 20 kids between them have never had a miscarriage. The thought never even crossed my mind as a possibility until I started bleeding, and even then I still was hopeful that it would all be ok. My biggest problem was that I didn't know what to do, or even if it WAS a miscarriage. On Sunday evening, my brother gave me a blessing, and though it was very special to me, it is very difficult to convey the impressions and feelings I had during and after the blessing. Mostly the feeling was "this is not the time yet for a baby" and "you'll be ok." It confirmed to me (more than a medical test) that it was indeed a miscarriage. That night I prayed and cried and prayed some more, pondered the reasons for this experience, and mourned a little. Monday morning, I woke up feeling emotionally cleansed and ready to face the future. My family has been great and supportive, they have taken care of my kids while I recover my strength. If you have to have a medical problem away from home, with your family is the place to be!
On Tuesday evening, I decided to go to the hospital so they could do a blood test to confirm that my hormone levels were going down, and to do an ultrasound to make sure the worst is over so I could be cleared to travel. The doctors and nurses were so funny, because they were trying to cushion the blow that I had lost the baby, but I already knew that. Finally the doctor asked "How hopeful are you that this pregnancy is still viable?" and I said "I know the baby is gone, I just want to know when I can go home." That sped things up considerably. Everything is progressing normally and I should be able to begin traveling home whenever I want. John is going to fly out to SLC on Saturday and help me drive home. He was trying to get me to fly home while he drove the kids home, but I thought that was a little silly. I'm feeling pretty good, just really tired and crampy. I'm so grateful I haven't had any emotional issues since Sunday, though there have been times I want to curl up in my bed and not face my family: that's pretty standard on a family vacation though :).
Next week I'll post some great pictures from our vacation. I would appreciate your prayers for our continued blessings and our safe return home. I know John has been beside himself during this time away from us, and I can't wait to get back to him!
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9 comments:
I am so sorry Lajuana! You are so strong and we will definitely be praying for you.
I'm glad you were with family...we'll keep you in our prayers. Take care of yourself. Love you!
Oh, Lajuana, I am so sorry! I am sure having family around helps with the healing, both physically and emotionally. Will be thinking of you!
I'm sorry! I didn't even know you were pregnant.
One of my favorite stories goes like this: my b-i-l is a very stong guy, who has always been very sportsy but is also a rock in the gospel. He has a real leader-type personality. (The kind of guy other straight guys get man-crushes on.) Anyway, after having five pregnancies without a hitch, his mother had a miscarriage before he was born. She was devastated (and everyone has varying degrees of how they handle this); she spent long hours on her knees, totally at a loss for how to cope. One night, a voice, plain as day came to her and said, "The body you were growing wasn't strong enough for the spirit I need to send you." Her next baby was my b-i-l. Needless to say, he has a very tender place in her heart.
We don't know why things happen, and maybe you'll never know, but that sweet whisper of the spirit will definitely be your first step forward. I love you!
I'm so sorry, and I'm praying for you.
I haven't checked in for a little over a week. . . so, congratulations!! We're excited you guys are ready for number four. Condolences on the miscarriage. We had an early miscarriage after our 4th. I'm at about 20 weeks now and I still haven't posted it on the blog yet.
The funny comment we got was:
"You know, that can be prevented."
Sometimes I still struggle with wanting to be more of a helicopter parent. But Ty is really good about pointing out that children above all need parents that love them.
I also find strength in Elder Oaks talk from last conference. Parenting is really selfless service. Lifeguards don't look (or act) like everyone else on the beach. So having our "hands full" is a way to be a light to the world.
I just hope I'm doing a good job. I don't really think about people watching me even when they come up to me in the grocery store etc. . .
I am so sorry. I understand. I wish I could hug you, but please consider yourself hugged from St. Louis. Make sure you keep taking care of yourself. I cramped up again after a long day for a month or two after my miscarriages. Love You!
Lajauna!!!!!!! I'm so sorry for your loss!!! It is the worst thing to go through as a mom, it's a horrible thing to experience. I hope the pain lessens over time and you get to feeling better! My prayers are with you!
A very good friend of mine went through the same struggles when trying to expand their family to four children. The good news is that although it took 4 years and 2 miscarriages her and her husband just welcomed Oliver Matthew to their family about a week ago. I know the ups and downs my friend Samantha went through were difficult but in the end it all worked out. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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